Int. Women’s Day & Pamela Cross, lawyer & advocate for Violence Against Women

(March 8, 2025)

Celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women and in particular, honouring the work of the many women’s shelters who support women (and their children) who have experienced abuse and Intimate Partner Violence in their lives.

  • A quilt website is not where one would expect to find pages on Violence Against Women, but having personally experienced this myself, it is my intention to advocate for women survivors and those experiencing abuse.  To inspire them with my creative designwork in quiltmaking, to provide information that I feel may be of use to them, to advocate for change within our government and our judicial system in whatever way I can to help bring awareness to the need for change within our governments and judicial systems to provide better protection for victims and support and care for women suffering from abuse and IntimatePartner Violence.  To give hope.  Hope for a better life, hope for safety, hope for change.

Intimate Partner Violence is of epidemic proportions in today’s society that our governments are not dealing with directly.  Yes, they provide solicitous information as to what to do about the issue of abuse and violence from male partners but they don’t put their money where their mouths are.  First of all, our governments need to declare the issue of Intimate Partner Violence of epidemic proportions.  Which they have not done at this present time though it is in a reading with the Ontario Government but stalled, as usual.   Once this is legislated, our governments can then create and enact laws to deal with this issue which will help the police and the courts.  They can  also provide funding for our courts to deal with this issue and the perpetrators who cause Intimate Partner Violence and who walk free from their abuse which they are not doing at this present time.  Thus:

  1. The Family Law Act must be revised to acknowledge and provide financial compensation for women (and men where applicable) who experience Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).
  2. The courts of Canada as of now remain patriarchal.  Male judges, male lawyers and the staff of the present day courts must become more educated on Intimate Partner Violence. Perpetrators of abuse can deny abusing or hitting their partners today and because abuse happens behind closed doors in the privacy of a residence, abuse cannot be proven as the courts and police require proof of the abuse . Unless there is a death or serious injury involved victims of abuse are not believed as it cannot be proven according to the laws now.  Thus, the police and the courts at this time deal with a “He said/she said” scenario.  Physical abuse does not always produce bruises and broken limbs.  Emotional abuse is invisible.  Yet both affect and impact upon women victims in a very serious manner, psychologically, physically and financially.

In conclusion:

 – It is time for the governments to set new laws to protect women and to prosecute the perpetrators of Intimate Partner Violence. 

  • It is time for the governments to provide funding to open the courts to Family Law and Intimate Partner issues instead of dismisssing these cases as Crown Attorneys are now doing.
  • It is time the police and the judges and lawyers to step away from their patriarchal behaviour and to begin respecting women and believe what they report to the police and the court as facts not hysteria on the woman`s part. 

It is time women were believed after experiencing Intimate Partner Violence.  -Hitting women is unacceptable.  Abusing women is unacceptable.  Killing women and children is unforgivable.

And now may I introduce Pamela Cross, feminist lawyer and strong advocate for improved laws for Intimate Partner Violence through educating our governments and courts in regard to Intimate Partner Violence.  Her website links are:

About Pamela:   https://pamelacross.ca/about/

Her new Book:   https://pamelacross.ca/and-sometimes-they-kill-you

Talking to judges, part one

(Pamela Cross newsletter Feb.2025)

    Judicial education is a critical component of improving legal responses to intimate partner violence. Recently, I had the opportunity to speak to family court judges in Ontario, as they attended an education seminar, one day of which was dedicated to the topic of IPV.

The 2021 changes to the Divorce Act and the Children’s Law Reform Act that introduced family violence as one of the best interests of the child test criteria as well as a comprehensive definition of family violence that includes coercive control have been a significant and positive step forward. 

Coercive control is not straightforward:  It’s not uncommon for a woman whose partner is engaging in coercively controlling behaviours not to identify what is going on as being abusive.  Many survivors don’t tell anyone about the coercive control because they don’t see it as abuse.

  1. Encouraged by the abuser, they may see themselves as at least partly responsible for the way their partner is treating them.
  2. There is often no independent evidence of this kind of abuse.
  3. The behaviour builds slowly over time, making it more difficult to identify what may initially have seemed like loving, caring behaviour as actually being abusive.
  4. Over time, the woman loses her self-confidence and her autonomy, handing over more and more responsibility to the abuser, including responsibility for decision-making related to the children.
  5. She becomes isolated from her friends and family because her partner makes it so difficult to see them.
  6. She feels shame that she is such a poor wife/mother because her partner reinforces this notion through his constant criticisms and put downs. When someone tells you that you are stupid, ugly and a bad mother often enough, you start to believe them, especially if the children have been duped into reiterating the criticisms.
  7. She thinks she is crazy because of his gaslighting. Did she really give him back the change after she went to the grocery store like she thinks she did or is he right that she kept it?
  8. Coercive control looks different from one relationship to another. What intimidates one person can look completely innocent to another. I might retreat into fearful silence just by the way my partner looks at me, but to an observer, nothing untoward is going on.
  9. It continues after separation, often morphing into online stalking/surveillance and legal bullying. Here’s where technology has opened up a whole new world to abusers, with GPS and other tracking systems, social media where intimate images and stories can be shared with the entire world, Smart Home systems that let him control the house functions even if he is not there, surveillance devices that can be installed in children’s tablets, phones and teddy bears, even drones.

As I said a  minute ago, coercive control is highly gendered, with women the predominant victims. It’s absolutely critical that this be well understood by all of us. Otherwise, abusers will be believed when they make false allegations of coercive control against their partners as part of their ongoing abuse.

Trauma:  The ongoing nature of abuse post-separation also escalates trauma for survivors. Litigation abuse/legal bullying can have the survivor on the edge of her seat for weeks, months or even years. When will the abuser bring yet another ridiculous motion? Will they show up this week for their time with the kids? Will they bring the kids back late – or early? How many times will they text unnecessarily? What to do if the kids refuse to spend time with their other parent? Will the abuser change lawyers – again?  Or, worst of all, will they decide to represent themself?

These trauma behaviours also play out in the courtroom. It’s not uncommon for the survivor of abuse to be highly emotional and unfocused and to appear disorganized. Fear is the driver for much of this: fear about their children’s and their own safety, fear about being in the same space as their former partner, fear of the legal and court process, fear about possible outcomes.  It is no wonder some survivors are difficult to represent, make poor witnesses and are have difficulty managing in the courtroom.

PAMELA CROSS:  PART TWO: JUDGES MEETING:

Judicial education is a critical component of improving legal responses to intimate partner violence. Recently, I had the opportunity to speak to family court judges in Ontario, as they attended an education seminar, one day of which was dedicated to the topic of IPV.   Here are come of my comments to the judges about the challenges of providing evidence to establish the presence of IPV.

Evidence of abuse that is independent of the survivor’s own story is often pretty thin on the ground. Most abuse takes place in the privacy of the family’s home with no one around other than the kids to see or hear what is going on. Often, there are no visible injuries. Many women don’t share what is going on with anyone.The shame that many women feel about the abuse, coupled with their fear of the abuser, means they often make up stories to explain away physical injuries, even those that require a trip to the hospital or that draw attention from co-workers, friends or family members. Children can be drawn into this myth-making, too, telling others what their father has told them: “mummy is so clumsy,” “mummy falls all the time” or “mummy is stupid,” further cementing the false notion that the woman is to blame for her injuries.

Coercive control – really, any form of non-physical abuse – often has absolutely no evidence beyond that of the survivor herself; and her evidence may not appear credible because of the impact on her of trauma and fear.

Myths Around IPV and Abuse:

  1. If the woman doesn’t leave or if she goes back, that means the abuse isn’t serious. In fact, there are many reasons for women to stay with or return to an abusive partner. Supports such as housing, child care and employment are sorely lacking. Women have many fears associated with leaving the abuser: of being alone, of the abuser’s reaction, of the children being alone with the abuser. Many blame themselves for the abuse or feel a deep sense of shame about it. Despite the abuse, it is not uncommon for a woman to continue to love her partner.
  2. Physical abuse is worse than emotional abuse or coercive control. It’s not – many women report that coercive control is much harder to move on from than physical abuse.
  3. The abuse ends when the people separate. It doesn’t; in fact, risk of increased abuse – including lethal violence – escalates considerably, and separation is one of the top risk factors for homicide.
It has been my observation through my own personal experience that the connection between Stockholm Syndrome and Domestic Violence produces similar feelings in victims of Intimate Partner Violence.  I very definitely related to this when the observation was made to me in regard to my own behaviour at the time.
 
As quoted: “Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response where a victim develops an emotional bond with their abuser or captor.
 
It has been my observation through my own personal experience that the connection between Stockholm Syndrome and Domestic Violence produces similar feelings in victims of Intimate Partner Violence.  I very definitely related to this when the observation was made to me in regard to my own behaviour at the time.
 
Psychologists today have expanded their understanding of Stockholm Syndrome to include victims of Domestic Violence.  The survival instinct is at the heart of this syndrome whereby the victim
becomes hyper-vigilant to the needs and demands of their abusers and they adjust their responses and behaviour accordingly in order to survive the abuse.
It is worth considering if you are a victim experiencing Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).